As things have been a bit quiet around here, we’ve decided to move house.

The timing is perfect because it’s only a few weeks until Christmas and, well, I don’t seem to have anything better to do than fill endless amounts of boxes and clean tops of kitchen cupboards that haven’t been touched in five years. Right?

I’ve been desperate to move house. This house is okay but it needs stuff doing to it and even if we sorted/tidied/decorated it would still drive me mad. I’m over it, in the way you get over a relationship that has had its day. In fact my love affair with this house is not unlike that of my teenage boyfriend – it was true love that faded slowly then suddenly.

There is another reason to my wanting to move – I strongly feel that if we move house, it will improve our family karma. Our family feng-shui. Our house is full of clutter and crap that we’ve collected over the years and with three children comes a lot more clutter and crap. It’s time to have a clear out and take half of our belongings to the tip.

Feng-shui is an ancient form of aesthetics. It is basically that if you put things in the right place then you will get positivity. Having dead flowers in a vase for two weeks is not good feng-shui. Neither is a burnt pan that you keep in the dishwasher with the hope that it will one day come clean. And the worse kind of feng-shui is buying fresh fruit only to watch it decay before throwing it out just to buy fresh fruit all over again in a never ending cycle.

When I have googled Family Feng-Shui the first article I clicked on was mainly an advertisement for “New Kitchens From Tesco” so already I’m not convinced it’s entirely authentic but I’m willing to give it a go in a new home.

However I am not very good at this feng-shui. I’m wondering if that is what’s causing some negative family energy, like stressful school run and having to say something 5000 times before a child listens. I’m thinking if I should make the effort to install a flowing water feature in a bright, clutter free room or place incense sticks strategically in a south-east corner. Or just get a new kitchen from Tesco.

Apparently to bring harmony and therefore be able to get everyone out of the house in less than 15 hours, it’s worth doing a full feng-shui. I’ve looked up our elements and the only way I have it covered is by:

Wood: Dog-chewed bit of branches

Fire: Box of matches for the odd sneaky fag

Earth: The dirt and trash behind the sofa

Water: Two dripping taps and a sandcastle bucket full of rain water

Metal: A rusty scooter and a drawer full of random nuts & bolts

So, as I cannot be bothered to work on any of these (there’s fresh fruit to buy), I’m moving house.

The run up to the move hasn’t been going too well. I seem to have ended up with 24 boxes marked “Stuff”, 8 of which I’m sure are just full of odd socks and gloves. The very first thing I packed is the very thing that the children now need desperately, even though they’ve not glanced at it in five years. And there’s the funfair goldfish that seems to still be alive and flipping, in spite of nobody ever remembering to feed it – although I’m trying to convince everyone that its only route to the new house is via a flushed toilet.

My husband isn’t too convinced by this move and my reasoning behind it. He wanted to extend this house but by doing any home improvements, I believed we were just extending our bad family feng-shui. He thinks that’s a load of old cock, but I say “It will create a happy and beneficial energy” to which he replies “Put that happy and beneficial energy into tiding up once in a while instead of Twitter.” I’m thinking my husband can feng-shui off.

Friday is move day. Or as I like to call it M-Day, which doesn’t annoy anybody at all. The removal men are booked, furniture is being delivered and the children will be out of the way at school.

In fact I’m that organised, I’m thinking about sodding off to London for a nice day out.

I’m sure there’s a feng-shui bar I can visit.