The worst horror movie - something scarier than Halloween
- Credit: Archant
Something has had me more frightened this week than Halloween. (Jeez, if kids weren’t scary enough, they go and put on costumes!).
It’s something that I have feared for a long time and now it’s happened. There has been a constant build-up worthy of a Stephen King novel and it’s ripping at my very core. Yep, I’m finally turning into my mother.
I was actually thinking it would be funny to dress up at Halloween as an old grumpy grandma but then I realised, after catching myself in the mirror in full flow of telling off a child, that I don’t need a costume for that. I can make a scary mask out of my own face. I don’t need to pretend that I’m weary. And the voice, well, that can just stay at regular pitch because the sounds that are coming out of my mouth this half term rival the gale that’s been blowing throughout the UK.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, I’ve turned into my mother after all.
There are moments in life that literally take your breath away because they are so landmarking. Falling in love, beating a challenge, the highs and the lows - I just didn’t expect this to be one of them. I’ve always followed my own path and considered my twists and turns to be of my own making and yet here I am.
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You think when you have a child that the sleepless nights are the payback for doing it to your parents when you were young. Oh no. Karma has far worse in store. Just when you think you’re over the baby stage and you’ve paid your dues, BAM! you’ve turned into your parents.
It starts with droopy eyes and the urge to say something to your children that you shouldn’t but before you know it you just can’t help yourself. It’s worse than the bit in the Exorcist when Linda Blair’s head does a full 360 spin. Heck, it’s the worst horror movie EVER because whatever you do, you can’t stop it. You’re going down a slippery slope and stuck in a forever that rivals the woods in Blair Witch.
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When the children are having their Damien moments, I strike back in true horror style. I say things like “You’re your own worse enemy” and “Well keep your coat on then but when you go out you won’t feel the benefit.”
Today when my son wouldn’t eat his dinner I even pulled a “There are children starving in Africa”. It’s not long now until I mention the children’s home or boarding school.
With all the different voices I use as a parent, the scariest by far is my mother’s voice coming out of me.
Now I know that my mother used to swear under her breath at me. I’ve realised that she must have stuck two fingers up behind my back. And I’m pretty sure that she took solace in the gin bottle.
Even my husband has realised it. He knows that he can win any argument by saying “You sound just like your mother” because that’s the button to press to get my goat.
It’s taking over my entire being like a demon and there’s nothing I can do. Even if I called up the local rector to perform an exorcism, he wouldn’t be able to help because he has two children himself so he’s possessed too.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum but I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and so quickly. It’s the things I say, the way I look, how the children frustrate me, how their noise is too loud, how I find things now expensive...it’s something I’ve feared all my life even more than clowns.
The only consolation I can take from this real life horror is that, one day, my kids are going to turn into me.