Special times mean nothing to me

THEY used to be few and far between, more of a novelty than anything else, maybe dreamed up originally by some smart advertising person to promote a product.

It probably worked because over the years they have become insidious in our day to day lives.

But I say they have become too much and something has to be done about them.

So today I announce my own campaign to outlaw them.

Although I appreciate it is a little late in the day to achieve my aim this year, I declare that March should be Dedicated to Nothing Month.


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Would it not be wonderful to have each day, week or indeed the whole month when someone has not hijacked the time to devote it to their pet cause.

Just one of those is National Veggie Month with Animal Aid aiming to use it to persuade everyone on the planet not to eat meat.

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Although I don’t like vegetables, realising that there was this special month did not tip me over the edge. It was more a culmination of this, that and the other which has made me yearn for a normal, nothing weird, wonderful or ordinary time when nothing is picked out for particular attention.

I think it is bad enough in this country but our obsession is nothing compared to the USA.

A quick trawl through the internet reveals some oddities the other side of the pond.

In March there is a National Frozen Food Month, a National Noodle Month and a Women’s History Month.

For observances lasting seven days, how about Bubble Gum Week or Croquet Week.

Today (Thursday) in America it is National Pig Day followed by Peanut Butter Lovers’ Day and Share A Smile Day.

It’s National Anthem Day on Saturday – can you imagine a God Save The Queen Day over here? – with Multiple Personalities Day, Dentist Day, Panic Day, Everything You Do Is Right Day, National Goof Off Day, Chocolate Covered Raisin Day and Something On A Stick Day just some of the others in March.

And I notice there’s also I Want You To Be Happy Day, Be Nasty Day, Extraterrestrial Abductions Day and If Pets Had Thumbs Day.

Enough of this nonsense, let’s ban it all.

Talking about “only in America”, I was intrigued to read that five killer whales had been named as plaintiffs in a lawsuit which argued that they deserved the same constitutional protection from slavery as humans.

It was claimed that forcing them to live in tanks and perform daily at Seaworld parks meant they were being treated like slaves.

Not a word of complaint had come from the whales, I noted. Perhaps they had in mind that, if they earned the same legal status as humans, one of them who had drowned his trainer and been linked to two other deaths could conceivably be charged with homicide.

Something else I noticed was that the number of drivers over the age of 80 has now topped one million in the UK. And they are much safer on the roads than young people. Now which cruel person said that is because they do not drive at more than 20mph?

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