Mummy porn

A LIGHT went on in my head earlier when I realised that I’ve asked my husband countless times to change the bulb in the hallway.

And has he done it – has he hell. In fact there are currently eight lightbulbs dead in this house.

If there was a power cut, it would not make any difference. I suppose I could do them but I’d end up smashing glass everywhere and, not only is he taller than me, but this is a MAN’S JOB…just how school uniform is MY JOB.

Oh I’m all for girl power but when it comes to certain chores in the house I do think my man should step in.

I do endless jobs and I never ask for his help. I do not think there has ever been a time when he has had to sort a school bag, smelly PE kit and, god forbid, packed lunch box with exploded yoghurt.


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He has never had to remind me to choose a good frock for the school run. There has not been countless requests for him to organise pick up/drop offs to clubs. I am more than capable of doing ‘my share’ of the work.

This lack of lightbulb got me thinking about how most conversations with my mummy friends at the moment seem to revolve around Fifty Shades Of Grey. The group is split between women whose romantic lives it has reignited and those who just don’t get it (me). I’ve not even read it because it’s just not how I get my kicks.

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I guess I’m a simple girl at heart because it doesn’t take whips and handcuffs to turn me on. I’m getting old you know and there are three children in this house – the closest I get to S&M is being buried in the ironing pile.

However there are endless ways to get me hot and flustered – things my husband could do that would have me heading straight for a cold shower:

1. Emptying and putting out the bins.

2. Giving me a lie-in.

3. Doing the laundry, ironing it and putting it away.

4. Running me a bath with candles then saying “Have you lost weight?”

5. All bike and car maintenance.

6. Mowing the lawn and trips to the tip.

7. Giving me the bed, a coffee and Heat magazine TO MYSELF.

8. Letting me have the remote.

9. “I’ll bath the kids tonight, darling, and put them to bed.”

10. Buying milk, bread and gin every evening.

BONDAGE BONUS: Putting a lock on the bathroom door.

I just want stuff sorted in the house. I tell him about my needs all the time.

I’m melting just at the thought of these jobs being done. Now, if only I can get him to change that lightbulb things might start to hot up around here…

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