Mothering Heights - Claire Smith
How to survive the school holidays
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
3:45 PM
So the six week hellidays, sorry holidays, are upon us and the big question some of us are asking ourselves is HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE?
By Claire Smith
So the six week hellidays, sorry holidays, are upon us and the big question some of us are asking ourselves is HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE? We parents often have the exact opposite response to the start of the school holidays than our kids. It’s a long time to be in the company of children, especially since the British summer was that one nice day in April. The best advice I can give you is ignore the crappy ‘school’s out’ ideas you get in parenting magazines. Most of those recommendations are written by some full-time journalist with a nanny, who will suggest activities such as ‘Get A Craft Box’ and ‘Play Board Games’, which as well as being SECONDS of fun, will have you bashing your head against the school gates in no time.
Listen to this expert. I will have my kids 24/7 for ALMOST SEVEN WEEKS. Believe me, it’s going to be torture unless you follow my guide which will get you through so much better than a craft box. And you might even make it to September in one piece.
This is what to do with your children:
1. ARRANGE PLAYDATES
Give your children away to other families (best option). Even have their children round to your house (not so best option). Because even though it will be loud and messy, you are likely to get some peace and quiet whilst they play – and Peace & Quiet is the Holy Grail of parents of course.
2. IGNORE THEM
Ignoring your children encourages independence and it hones their survival life skills. Once upon a time there was a land where children were thrown outdoors to play in the street – not so safe now, but there’s sure to be a garden or a bedroom where they can make their own amusement. You can then retire to a safe place, preferably behind a closed door.
3. DO NOT MIND A MESS
Especially if the kids are playing nicely. It’s the price you pay for kids entertaining themselves and there’s always Daddy who can clean up when he’s home from a relaxing day in the office. It’s the price he pays.
4. VISIT SOMEWHERE FREE
Preferably a place with a good cafe. You’ll need that extra caffeine boost if it’s a crowded museum. Or simply borrow a dog and go to the woods, especially if you get phone signal. You can chat or text whilst the children are running wild with the dog.
5. SWITCH ON THE TV
Have movie days where you rent the entire collection of kids DVDs at Blockbusters and stuff yourself with popcorn. Don’t even feel guilty about this. And if you do, then rent films where the kids might actually learn something. Most importantly, teach your children to use the remote control.
You can also try: Taking a trip on public transport, having a good argument then spending time making up, baking if it’s from an easy step-by-step no mess packet, getting a bit tipsy so you become Fun Mum, having a disco in your living room and (my personal favourite) getting your kids to do household chores.
Above all, don’t do things because you’re told to do them for the kid’s continuing education or because you feel you have to in order to win Parent Of The Year. Try to have some fun yourself. Because, really, what else are kids and school holidays for?
Hopefully see you on the other side.
More Columnists
Most Popular Stories
E-Edition
Comet Offers
Herts Most Wanted
Retailer List
Herts Business Awards
ADVERTISEMENT
16 comments
Its really very simple. Give your kids your time and attention.
Report this comment
Lord Henry
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Dohhh Bertie...you folded like a cheap suit. Where's Barry he'll give you some support
Report this comment
Bob
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Just be thankful you only have 6 or 7 weeks. Here in Portugal, the schools are out for 13-14 weeks! It's a lonnnnnnnnnnnng summer!
Report this comment
Tracey Hand
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Apologies to everyone I seem to have offended. After racking my brain as to how I can redeem myself I have decided to heed the advice given and have bought the kids 50 DVD's and a door lock. Sorted for the next 5 weeks.
Report this comment
Bertie
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I do feel for someone who reads something and can't pick up on the obvious irony within it. Things must offend someone like that very easily. Perhaps its time for for that person to not read columns or blogs!
Report this comment
Nina Marabese
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Great writer, great entertainer, great mum! X
Report this comment
Nina Marabese
Monday, July 30, 2012
Bertie sounds an incredible person. His kids, or kids in his charge must have an enriching and wondrous day, the kind I could never provide. My skills at building family relationships must resort to nil. Does anyone know what his hourly rate is please? I'll happily employ him for 6 weeks and thereafter on a consultancy basis.
Report this comment
boogieprice
Saturday, July 28, 2012
'How to have a sense of humour' By Bertie
Report this comment
Geords1
Friday, July 27, 2012
but in Clare's case... i wouldnt expect anything less ;-)
Report this comment
MrP
Friday, July 27, 2012
Bertie, have you ever heard of irony...or tongue in cheek..
Report this comment
MrP
Friday, July 27, 2012
Dear Bertie How many kids have you got? Perhaps you'd like to entertain mine, for 6 weeks, from 6am-730pm on a daily basis for a week or two, and then tell me that putting on the tv, hiding out in the other room taking a deep breath, having a cup of tea and ignoring my kids for 20mins is a bad thing? Do let me know where you live, I'll drop them off asap? ;)
Report this comment
karen reekie
Friday, July 27, 2012
Dear Bertie How many kids have you got? Perhaps you'd like to entertain mine, for 6 weeks, from 6am-730pm on a daily basis for a week or two, and then tell me that putting on the tv, hiding out in the other room taking a deep breath, having a cup of tea and ignoring my kids for 20mins is a bad thing? Do let me know where you live, I'll drop them off asap? ;)
Report this comment
karen reekie
Friday, July 27, 2012
Hmmm..'Ignore Them' and 'Switch On The TV'...really? Great ways to build a family relationship by Claire Smith.
Report this comment
Bertie
Friday, July 27, 2012
as ever Mrs Smith, you are a genius and ALWAYS make me smile
Report this comment
clairebev
Thursday, July 26, 2012
I also tried your last suggestion about using transport. My child showed great resource in boarding the flight to Rome at Manchester Airport (with the minimum of funding) but those peskey airport authorities have sent him back. Don't they realise that this can shatter a child's confidence to venture out and explore?
Report this comment
Andrew Butler
Thursday, July 26, 2012
As usual, you could not have said it better!
Report this comment
Catherine Burden
Wednesday, July 25, 2012